I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
