You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Please don't give away my fajitas
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
