I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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