I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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