I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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