When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think my fart just growled at me.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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