Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
