I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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