When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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