So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The Olympian is in my bed
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
