Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
