I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
