I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize