just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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