I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
