I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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