well I can't set my house on fire every night
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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