I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
