Cold hands, warm shart.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
