Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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