worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
