Only a mothe r could love this liver
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
