I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
