Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
