dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
