The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
try to milk me bitch
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
