What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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