The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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