I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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