I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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