She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
