Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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