I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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