I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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