I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
