wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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