Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
