and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Who died my cat blue again?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
