loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
