i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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