Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
