Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
