totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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