paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize