In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
