maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
