I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My ass is underappreciated
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
