We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm at about main and main street
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
