either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
