i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
