I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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