Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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