She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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