I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
