then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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