Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
