I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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