thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
