i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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