There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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