Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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